Just Let Me Mourn #COVID-19

Yesterday was a hard day. I got a message on Remind that my son and I had to go pick up his shadow box project from school. They were supposed to come up with a way to illustrate something they had learned. Most of them were about pollution, and my son was very excited about creating and presenting his project having to do with the destruction of turtle nesting grounds. But, he never got to present it, nor did he get to spend one day a week with this dynamic teacher he has wanted to have since he was three. To add to the wound, the teachers were wearing masks in the parking lot, and we weren’t allowed to get out of the car. It was a drive through and roll down your window affair. Now, I’m sure the teachers were following instructions, but it all made me so sad. He didn’t get to play, sing, laugh or play with that class or his regular class at school. He will not get to go on his choir tour, participate in field day or even physically say goodbye to his teacher and classmates. So today I need to mourn. For one day without slogans like “Safe at Home” and “Alone Together”, I need to be sad and face the loss the COVID-19 frenzy has caused.

Now, I know that I sound cold and heartless. Some parts of the country have experienced great loss, but as it has been found by the states testing for the anti-bodies, COVID-19 hasn’t been any more deadly than the flu, especially in my county where one person has died. Still, all of a sudden, no one is concerned about obesity, inactivity, depression, suicide, abuse (domestic or child)-all of these things are now second to this disease which, let’s face it, will resurface if we don’t build immunity now. So, let’s set our “Pollyanna Sunshine” aside and be realistic for just a minute about what we have lost.

1. We have lost connection. We can say “Alone Together” and “Safe at Home” all we want, but we have lost connection. We are learning alone. We don’t have classmates or student with us learning cooperatively, playing games and laughing. We are not singing together in music class, competing in gym or playing together at recess. We are missing out on the smiles, hugs and kind words of teachers, lunch ladies and volunteers. As a teacher, I am missing out, missing out on class discussions, jokes, off-the-wall comments-even snide comments would be okay at this point- and differing points of view. On top of that, we can’t go to church, something we have never experienced in our life time. Yes, we are worshiping online, but it is simply not the same. We are called to “gather together”, something people in some countries risk their lives for. We are not greeting each other, sitting next to each other, singing together, praying together. It is not happening, and it leaves a hole, a gaping one. So, I for one, would like to quit pretending we are all fine and mourn our loss of connection.
2. We have lost human decency. I know it all in the name of saving lives, but let’s face it, some of what has happened is down right cold and uncaring. When I picked up my son’s school supplies, we were treated like we had the plague, people walk way around me at the grocery store-glaring at me like I am their enemy. Even the other day, my son and I were trying to avoid a car, and an older couple walked way around us making comments about how we were putting them at risk-in a state that is at 10 deaths, total. So, to put it bluntly, it is hurtful. Paranoia and fear cannot be coupled with kindness, and while a few people have maintained decency during this time, I am frankly hurt deeply by the lack of decency this paranoia has caused. Just let me say it. Please.
3. Some people are not “safe at home”. As a public school teacher, I am keenly aware that, while all households are struggling right now with fear, change, stress, etc . . . some homes are not safe. For some kids Summer is plenty long enough. They benefit greatly from a safe school environment, sports, counseling, etc . . . They live in small apartments or trailers without yards or safe neighborhoods to spend time in. Some of their parents are drinking or using. Some do not have the proper space or environment to complete their work well or at all. And yes, some of them are not treated well at home. To add to this, mental health issues are sky-rocketing among the general population, so these vulnerable households are not doing well to say the least. I am heart-broken that I can’t be with my students during this time, and I am deeply concerned about the elementary students who truly need that positive environment they can’t be a part of right now. Don’t downplay this. No catch-phrase can make this better. We need community, some more than others.

There are many more “unintended consequences” of this frenzied time we are in. And I cannot change any of it, but I needed to say it, to mourn, to speak the truth no one wants to address. We are created to be social, to be connected to one another. And, there will be consequences, some severe, the longer we stay apart. So, today I am sad, sad that I can’t talk to my co-workers, enjoy my students’ company, go to my son’s track meet, sing with my fellow believers, just be with people. I don’t need to be comforted or told how all of this is saving lives and I am not really alone. It hurts, and I need to say it. Maybe you need to say it too.