My Life in Music

Our home Pandora site is full, literally. If you click on the app on our TV, there are so many stations, they can’t be viewed at once. When my husband first opened up his work account on our home computer, there were 3 or 4 stations. In a matter of weeks, we had over 30. This is mostly due to the fact that my boys keep typing in their favorite artists, in turn, creating a new station every time. Right now their favorite stations are “Penny Lane Radio” and “Too Many Zoos Radio”. Because I am the only girl in the house, and, well, my kids dominate the screens most of the time, I didn’t feel the need to make my own station. I mostly just listen to K-Love on my phone while I make dinner or grade papers, plus, my kids have pretty good taste in music. It runs in the family.

On Easter, however, I wanted to listen to my music with my family. For me, I am not picky. I don’t buy “albums” or spend money on I-Tunes, but like all of us, I used to by CDs, lots of them. So, without thinking much of it, I typed the name Rich Mullins. Instantly, my mind traveled to 1999 in Shawnee, Oklahoma. I was in Emmanuel Baptist Church, and my friend had asked me to teach Sunday School that day. I cannot tell you the date, but I think it was Spring, and we had just heard the news-Rich Mullins was dead. A few of my college friends were from Wichita and knew him personally, so we were groupies of sorts, and we were in shock and somehow, excited for him. All of his lyrics were so powerful, and his song “Elijah” immediately came to mind. Maybe God had answered his prayer to “go out like Elijah” since he had died in a single-car roll-over. As I continued reliving my past, the song “Hard to Get” from his Jesus Album came on. This song from the rough collection of recordings he made right before his death expressed so much of what I felt during the 10 years between my high school graduation and my marriage. While not one of his most biblical songs, the words “still I’m so scared I’m holding my breath” could describe so many moments during that time. When you have experienced depression like I have, finding someone who can express your deepest emotions, especially the ones you are afraid to express, it is like a two-ton weight is removed from your chest.

It is funny how God gives us seasons. For me, listening to too much of The Jesus Record now is too weighty, too hard. But, during those years many musicians were there to be my voice when I didn’t have one. Ginny Owen’s “If You Want Me To”, Mercy Me’s “Keep Singing”, Rich Mullin’s “Hold Me Jesus”- these songs carried me through some of my darkest times reminding me that I wasn’t the only one who felt such deep doubt and loneliness. A blessing for me during that season was leading worship at a local treatment center I worked at. While difficult work, due to the extreme behaviors I sometimes encountered, the kids I worked with also connected with these songs. While the source of their connection was different from mine, harsher more pronounced, the words:

“Another rainy day
I can’t recall having sunshine on my face
All I feel is pain
All I want to do is walk out of this place . . .

I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
That’s the only way that I’ll find healing” (“Keep Singing” by Mercy Me)

written by a battered child that God miraculously called to himself (Bart Millard), gave us the voice we couldn’t find.

Music is different for everyone. For many, Christian music must meet certain standards to be considered “worthy” or “credible”, but for me, as a true melancholy, music is life. And if I face criticism for being indiscriminate and listening to everything K-Love decides to play that day, I am okay with it. Some days it is “hard to breathe” for many of us, and we just need to be reminded that we are “Almost Home”. Sophisticated? Maybe not, but life-giving just the same.