When Helping Actually Hurts

When I was 22 years old, I taught high school English. Among my students that year was a 16 year old mother of a 1 year old girl. It was well known that her home-life was rough as well, especially in regards to her own abusive mother. While I don’t remember her name, I do remember chatting with her one day while she was trying to catch up on some missing work and realizing-in a limited way-how little I understood of what her life was like, how little I felt like I had to offer her. Generational poverty, teen parenthood, a sordid home-life, none of these had ever been a part of my fairly rosy life so far.

Year after year, I continued to encounter these students, counting on me to educate them, to give them what they need to step into adulthood, who were facing seemingly insurmountable obstacles along the way. My heart broke every time as I realized over and over how unfair life is, how much harder some people have to work to be successful. I taught them, but I truly felt like my efforts were often in vain. They were dealing with problems I could not help with.

Years later, after working in a treatment center, I began teaching special education. One year, a particular teacher gave all of my special education students A’s instead of individual accommodations. I remember that one of my students was working hard on a research paper when he came into my room to inform me that she had given him an A on a paper he hadn’t yet completed. In her mind, since his academic skills were lower than the other kids, the “kind” thing to do was “gift” him this A. He was truly dejected and angry. He had put all of this work into this paper, and she wasn’t even going to look at it. Her “gift” also sent the message that he “couldn’t” do what other kids his age could do.

That incident, along with many others slowly began to change my thinking. We were created to work hard and make our own way. My students, even those with the most challenges, do not want free grades, they want to learn and grow. They want to be able to do “it”, whatever “it” is so that when the time comes for them to do the job, take the test, write the paper, they can do it on their own. I began pushing my students, all of them, but especially my special education students. I taught them to write the essays, cite quotes, understand the vocabulary, and read what the other students were reading. The transformation was uncanny, and I will never forget when one of my students said, “I am so glad to taught me how to write. Today I had to write an essay in history, and I knew exactly how to do it.”

And I began to gain confidence, not confidence that I KNEW what it was like to deal with racism, poverty, abuse, and disabilities of every kind, but confidence that just as many great coaches push their athletes to achieve success, I must push my students to achieve more on their own because, in the end, life is and never has been fair. And while I do everything in my power daily to make my classroom and school as safe and accessible to EVERY student, the world they are soon to enter will require that some of them work harder than others to be successful.

Just like parents who make excuses for their children are disabling rather than helping their children, I, as a teacher, am disabling a student I don’t push to do the most he/she can do on their own. Because while I, personally, am responsible for treating others fairly and equally, the idea that life should be completely fair, as much as I want it to be, is a fairy tale, and teaching people to see themselves as victims of impossible circumstances does not help them succeed.

Disclaimer: It is important to note that some people feel called to engage in politics on a larger scale. In addition, there are times for “peaceful” protests to emphasize injustice, which all of us must stand against as it comes our way. But, the current trend of telling people that all police, rich, or people of a certain race are evil and full of hatred is NOT a helpful message. This is not only hurting society as a whole but is hurting the people those spreading this message are “claiming” to help. The phrase “Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime” is true. In the end, victims NEVER win. The best way to help people is to empower them to do all they can do, responsibly, on their own. This may not be popular, but the confidence they build can carry them places nothing else can.