Carried Along
A blog about real life through the lens of Christ
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I am not a fan of change. I never have been. I don’t want people to leave, dynamics to change, kids (or adults) to age, none of it. As a high school teacher, I grieve the loss of my students at the end of every semester and rejoice at the few I get to keep. But as this truly unexplainable school year comes to a close, I am at a loss as to how to cope with the loss of my students when I can’t even say goodbye except through a post on Google Classroom. Oh, I could make a video or write a poem, but honestly, my emotions are too raw, too uncomfortable to share in poetry. I don’t want to embarrass them, and I hate seeing myself on video. Plus, I’m not sure how important it is for them to see me cry, which is inevitable if I attempt that type of closure. So, I will end the school year with a lame post about how sad I am that I didn’t get to spend these last 8-10 weeks with them; I will tell them I’m sorry for any suffering they’ve endured during this quarantine and ask them to come and see me next year. And I will be left feeling heart-broken, incomplete.
Even yesterday, my son recorded some songs for a “virtual” violin recital. He took a shower and dressed up, as instructed. And he was excited, like he usually is for his recital, but it only took minutes for the excitement to wear off. Sure, there was the perk that he could play the song several times in order to get it right, but that energy of playing for an audience was not there. There is just something about gathering together with others for church, recitals, the last day of school, graduation. We are social people, so when we are physically alone, it is hard to duplicate the feeling of “togetherness”. People are trying. Drive up church services, zoom meetings, . . . but the truth is that things have changed, and some things have changed forever. My state has very few cases of COVID-19 right now, but people are still wearing masks and gloves, steering clear of others in stores (and even outside), even refusing to see their own family members. Call it what you will, but it isn’t just change, it is rejection. And it hurts. My children are afraid to ask their friends to hang out, knowing some will not or cannot meet. And just because there is an explanation for these actions does not make the feeling of rejection any less.
When this COVID-19 quarantine began, I kept telling my students that this will not last forever. There are even signs in yards saying, “This too will pass”. While this is true, this feeling of general fear, justified or not, is here to stay, for a while anyway. Things have changed, changed more than I want to admit. When will it end? I have no idea. Some of these changes may become permanent, and I, for one, don’t like it.
Recently, my son read a book called Good Omens by Neil Gaiman. It is about an angel and demon who work together to prevent Armageddon from happening. They both get into trouble with their respective “bosses” for tampering with a prophesy, something that has to happen. I watched some of the Amazon series based on the book this week, and I felt very convicted. Just like my best friend used to tell me, “Change is good, it lets you know you’re alive”, the Bible is full of change, uncomfortable change, change God has used and will use to carry out his purposes, even Armageddon. The flood, Joseph and Daniel’s captivity, the Israelite’s slavery and desert wanderings, Job’s almost unbearable suffering, and, yes, the crucifixion itself. All of these uncomfortable changes were a necessary part of God’s perfect plan to bring about his kingdom. Without them, our salvation, our only hope, would not exist. Just as the angel and demon in this book want to save the world, we want to save what we have because we fear change, plain and simple. Good or bad, we want things to stay the same.
Every year has changes, some we like and some we could live without. This year has brought a deluge of change, and the flood isn’t over yet. These adjustments to our jobs, schedules, relationships,social lives, etc . . . are uncomfortable, even devastating. Despite the discomfort we are feeling, some of us more than others, we can rest assured that God is not only aware (and has allowed) these life-altering events to take place but using them to accomplish his purposes right now. May we rest knowing that the God of the Bible is Lord of all, even in these uncertain times.
As Isaiah 55:9-11 states:
As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,So is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. -
Our home Pandora site is full, literally. If you click on the app on our TV, there are so many stations, they can’t be viewed at once. When my husband first opened up his work account on our home computer, there were 3 or 4 stations. In a matter of weeks, we had over 30. This is mostly due to the fact that my boys keep typing in their favorite artists, in turn, creating a new station every time. Right now their favorite stations are “Penny Lane Radio” and “Too Many Zoos Radio”. Because I am the only girl in the house, and, well, my kids dominate the screens most of the time, I didn’t feel the need to make my own station. I mostly just listen to K-Love on my phone while I make dinner or grade papers, plus, my kids have pretty good taste in music. It runs in the family.
On Easter, however, I wanted to listen to my music with my family. For me, I am not picky. I don’t buy “albums” or spend money on I-Tunes, but like all of us, I used to by CDs, lots of them. So, without thinking much of it, I typed the name Rich Mullins. Instantly, my mind traveled to 1999 in Shawnee, Oklahoma. I was in Emmanuel Baptist Church, and my friend had asked me to teach Sunday School that day. I cannot tell you the date, but I think it was Spring, and we had just heard the news-Rich Mullins was dead. A few of my college friends were from Wichita and knew him personally, so we were groupies of sorts, and we were in shock and somehow, excited for him. All of his lyrics were so powerful, and his song “Elijah” immediately came to mind. Maybe God had answered his prayer to “go out like Elijah” since he had died in a single-car roll-over. As I continued reliving my past, the song “Hard to Get” from his Jesus Album came on. This song from the rough collection of recordings he made right before his death expressed so much of what I felt during the 10 years between my high school graduation and my marriage. While not one of his most biblical songs, the words “still I’m so scared I’m holding my breath” could describe so many moments during that time. When you have experienced depression like I have, finding someone who can express your deepest emotions, especially the ones you are afraid to express, it is like a two-ton weight is removed from your chest.
It is funny how God gives us seasons. For me, listening to too much of The Jesus Record now is too weighty, too hard. But, during those years many musicians were there to be my voice when I didn’t have one. Ginny Owen’s “If You Want Me To”, Mercy Me’s “Keep Singing”, Rich Mullin’s “Hold Me Jesus”- these songs carried me through some of my darkest times reminding me that I wasn’t the only one who felt such deep doubt and loneliness. A blessing for me during that season was leading worship at a local treatment center I worked at. While difficult work, due to the extreme behaviors I sometimes encountered, the kids I worked with also connected with these songs. While the source of their connection was different from mine, harsher more pronounced, the words:
“Another rainy day
I can’t recall having sunshine on my face
All I feel is pain
All I want to do is walk out of this place . . .I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
That’s the only way that I’ll find healing” (“Keep Singing” by Mercy Me)written by a battered child that God miraculously called to himself (Bart Millard), gave us the voice we couldn’t find.
Music is different for everyone. For many, Christian music must meet certain standards to be considered “worthy” or “credible”, but for me, as a true melancholy, music is life. And if I face criticism for being indiscriminate and listening to everything K-Love decides to play that day, I am okay with it. Some days it is “hard to breathe” for many of us, and we just need to be reminded that we are “Almost Home”. Sophisticated? Maybe not, but life-giving just the same.
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Twenty-two years ago I began my teaching career. Naive and enthusiastic, I entered the classroom every day, ready to “change the world”. I tutored students needing to retake the graduation exam, mentored in my church youth group, coached cheer leading; you name it, I did it. That Spring, my first Spring as a official teacher, something tragic happened. It was April of 1999, and two students in Colorado carefully planned to murder their classmates. Thirteen people died in their attack, less than they had planned because their home made bombs didn’t detonate. We were in shock. Schools became vigilant, looking into anyone they felt might try to copy the actions of these two killers. Almost as soon as I started my career, my rose-colored glasses were shattered. No longer were schools safe-havens. .
Fast-forward to 2012, the year my oldest son started Kindergarten. Tragically, despite many grand efforts to protect schools with School Resource Officers and locked doors, a young man in Connecticut managed to get into a locked-down elementary school and kill 26 people. That year I found myself in a true dilemma. For 12 years, I knew the dangers of teaching in a high school. I was prepared to do all I could to protect my students in an attack. Now, I found myself not only worried about myself facing death on the job, but my innocent five-year-old could also be a target, just like those first graders at Sandy Hook. I remember visiting a psychologist friend of mine that year, admitting the excessive anxiety that plagued me thinking about my baby boy facing the dangers of evil in the world. I was, I’ll admit, a mess. He encouraged me to dive into scripture and rely on God and his word during this time of anxiety, and slowly, I began to accept that my children would also go out into a dangerous world, one I was powerless to control.
This year we face a different kind of threat, COVID-19. Silent and potentially deadly, states have resorted to unprecedented lock downs to control it. We are cancelling church, school, sports, etc . . . , staying home, and wearing masks in public. Traditional greetings of hand-shakes and hugs are discouraged, and any meetings we do have are usually on-line. As some states begin to “move out” of this quarantine stage, I am reminded of Matthew 10 when Jesus sent the disciples out into a dangerous world to share his gospel. In verses 17-18 he tells them, “Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves. Beware of men, for they will deliver you over to courts and flog you in their synagogues, and you will be dragged before governors and kings for my sake, to bear witness before them and the Gentiles.” Those carrying his message would experience danger, no question. But, he goes on to tell them, “And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell” (John 10: 17-18, 28) for “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father . . . Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows” (John 10: 29, 31).
Isn’t this comparing apples to oranges? Not really. Few of us have the ability to stay at home for the entire year it will take to come up with a vaccine for this virus. Even if we can, the vaccine will probably be used heavily in nursing homes and not be available to the general public at first. For me, I know that in the Fall, my kids and I will go back to being around 2000 people daily in our various school settings, the possibility of infection swirling around us. So, like the disciples, we are or will be asked to venture out into a dangerous world. As we do this, we will be not only susceptible to all of the world’s former dangers of disease, violence and cruelty, but now we will be in danger of contracting COVID-19 without the comfort of a vaccine. Just like the disciples, we are sure to face difficulties in this time, even if catching the virus isn’t one of them. What can we glean from Jesus’ words during this time? 1. There will be wolves, human or otherwise, and we may suffer. 2. As Ephesians 6:12 states, “Our struggle is not against flesh and blood”, so we do not need to fear people (or viruses). We need to fear God alone, the only one who can save our souls. 3. God alone determines who lives or dies. Illness, violence, and natural disasters will always be with us. Our time is determined by our loving Father. 4. He values us. Just as he is sovereign over the lives of sparrows, he is sovereign over our lives.
As we are “sent out” of sorts back into a society riddled with fear and anxiety, may we remember that Christ is aware of the dangers. For most of us, he is calling us not to hide, for as he specifically determines the death of each sparrow, he is also orchestrating the details of our lives. The appearance of COVID-19 did not thwart his plans. So, although we are careful and considerate of others, may we move out in faith only fearing Him that keeps our souls and remember his words: “In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).
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Let’s face it, the COVID-19 crisis has caused most of our lives to change drastically. I am not a fan of much of this change-just now, I am heart-broken that many of my English students are just giving up on trying to do online school. I am also grieving for my own children who want to be able to see friends and teachers. I’m more than ready for a more “normal” life. At the same time, I have to admit that this “shut-down” has been eye-opening, forcing me look at my priorities, what I truly value. As the old hymn states, “This world is not my home, I’m just a passin’ through,” but when I look at my “former life”, I wonder if my weeks filled with endless scheduled activities, even church activities, actually reflect this. Maybe all of this running allows me to ignore, or even hide, from the real “work” God has for me.
The New Living Translation quotes, “For this world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come” for Hebrews 13:14. The ESV puts it, “For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come”. If we look at the entirety of chapter 13, it lists several commands like remembering spiritual leaders, keeping the marriage bed pure, steering clear of false teaching and going “outside the camp” like Jesus did. So I had to ask, what is “the camp” exactly? Commentaries on this subject list the camp as the Jewish religion, “the world”, and past lives or sin we should have left behind. So, as my state begins to “re-open”, despite what I thought of the “stay at home” order, I am feeling the weight of this, wondering what needs to change in my “re-entry” period. Will my kids still run track and take music lessons? I think so. But how do I limit my commitments, church and otherwise, to leave room for the “kingdom” work Christ wants to do in me and in others? Maybe I should pray that Christ can use this “quiet” time to help me identify my “camp”. Do I even know what it is? Busyness, technology, “screen” time, social media, politics? Lord, help me leave whatever “camp” is hindering me from “running the race” you have for me.
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Yesterday was a hard day. I got a message on Remind that my son and I had to go pick up his shadow box project from school. They were supposed to come up with a way to illustrate something they had learned. Most of them were about pollution, and my son was very excited about creating and presenting his project having to do with the destruction of turtle nesting grounds. But, he never got to present it, nor did he get to spend one day a week with this dynamic teacher he has wanted to have since he was three. To add to the wound, the teachers were wearing masks in the parking lot, and we weren’t allowed to get out of the car. It was a drive through and roll down your window affair. Now, I’m sure the teachers were following instructions, but it all made me so sad. He didn’t get to play, sing, laugh or play with that class or his regular class at school. He will not get to go on his choir tour, participate in field day or even physically say goodbye to his teacher and classmates. So today I need to mourn. For one day without slogans like “Safe at Home” and “Alone Together”, I need to be sad and face the loss the COVID-19 frenzy has caused.
Now, I know that I sound cold and heartless. Some parts of the country have experienced great loss, but as it has been found by the states testing for the anti-bodies, COVID-19 hasn’t been any more deadly than the flu, especially in my county where one person has died. Still, all of a sudden, no one is concerned about obesity, inactivity, depression, suicide, abuse (domestic or child)-all of these things are now second to this disease which, let’s face it, will resurface if we don’t build immunity now. So, let’s set our “Pollyanna Sunshine” aside and be realistic for just a minute about what we have lost.
- We have lost connection. We can say “Alone Together” and “Safe at Home” all we want, but we have lost connection. We are learning alone. We don’t have classmates or student with us learning cooperatively, playing games and laughing. We are not singing together in music class, competing in gym or playing together at recess. We are missing out on the smiles, hugs and kind words of teachers, lunch ladies and volunteers. As a teacher, I am missing out, missing out on class discussions, jokes, off-the-wall comments-even snide comments would be okay at this point- and differing points of view. On top of that, we can’t go to church, something we have never experienced in our life time. Yes, we are worshiping online, but it is simply not the same. We are called to “gather together”, something people in some countries risk their lives for. We are not greeting each other, sitting next to each other, singing together, praying together. It is not happening, and it leaves a hole, a gaping one. So, I for one, would like to quit pretending we are all fine and mourn our loss of connection.
- We have lost human decency. I know it all in the name of saving lives, but let’s face it, some of what has happened is down right cold and uncaring. When I picked up my son’s school supplies, we were treated like we had the plague, people walk way around me at the grocery store-glaring at me like I am their enemy. Even the other day, my son and I were trying to avoid a car, and an older couple walked way around us making comments about how we were putting them at risk-in a state that is at 10 deaths, total. So, to put it bluntly, it is hurtful. Paranoia and fear cannot be coupled with kindness, and while a few people have maintained decency during this time, I am frankly hurt deeply by the lack of decency this paranoia has caused. Just let me say it. Please.
- Some people are not “safe at home”. As a public school teacher, I am keenly aware that, while all households are struggling right now with fear, change, stress, etc . . . some homes are not safe. For some kids Summer is plenty long enough. They benefit greatly from a safe school environment, sports, counseling, etc . . . They live in small apartments or trailers without yards or safe neighborhoods to spend time in. Some of their parents are drinking or using. Some do not have the proper space or environment to complete their work well or at all. And yes, some of them are not treated well at home. To add to this, mental health issues are sky-rocketing among the general population, so these vulnerable households are not doing well to say the least. I am heart-broken that I can’t be with my students during this time, and I am deeply concerned about the elementary students who truly need that positive environment they can’t be a part of right now. Don’t downplay this. No catch-phrase can make this better. We need community, some more than others.
There are many more “unintended consequences” of this frenzied time we are in. And I cannot change any of it, but I needed to say it, to mourn, to speak the truth no one wants to address. We are created to be social, to be connected to one another. And, there will be consequences, some severe, the longer we stay apart. So, today I am sad, sad that I can’t talk to my co-workers, enjoy my students’ company, go to my son’s track meet, sing with my fellow believers, just be with people. I don’t need to be comforted or told how all of this is saving lives and I am not really alone. It hurts, and I need to say it. Maybe you need to say it too.
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The current stay at home orders have, of course, spurred all sorts of comments. While many of us are still working, we are more isolated, so what do we do? In an effort to connect, we turn to social media more than ever before. Socialmedia.com reports that app use is up 20% since these quarantines have started. According to my observations, many of the posts, on Facebook at least, are in favor of staying home to avoid the spread. I will not weigh in on the necessity of almost completely shutting society down because, well, my opinion doesn’t matter, but as a public school teacher, I am bothered by the simplicity with which most people I’ve seen are commenting on what is happening.
I will start off by saying that I am enjoying time spent with my family. I know that not having constant outside activities is good for many of us, as we often feel we are failing as parents without providing all of these extra activities for our children. We are forced to slow down and appreciate time together. All of these are good things. And, my own children are fine. While they miss their friends and teachers desperately, my own children are doing their work without a fight. Granted, I can help them with their work because I am around, and I only have two children who don’t have special needs.
I am bothered though, by the simplicity with which many people are simplifying what is happening. While my own family is trusting the Lord for what is happening, this stay-at-home order is not all roses, and “just stay positive” does not help the fact that I am heartbroken that I am not teaching right now for a few reasons:
- Not EVERYONE is safe at home. Our hometown gazette reported a few weeks ago that police are worried about abuse cases rising during this time. A friend of ours who handles child abuse cases for our county says there are some students who simply need to be at school and is worried about the increase of reports she is getting, and will get, during this time. Simply put, parents are laid off, and liquor stores and medical marijuana shops are essential (in my state anyway). Add to that that some homes are toxic for various reasons such as drug and alcohol use. So, young children in toxic homes are not safe, and teens in these homes are, unfortunately, not able to work for their own money, which many of them need, or keep busy with work avoiding toxic home environments and temptations of drug use or inappropriate internet use.
- Homeschooling is for a small minority (approximately 3 percent of the population according to https://nces.ed.gov/programs/digest/d18/tables/dt18_206.10.asp) for several reasons. Yes, some people simply choose not to home school, but many reasons include: single-parent homes in which the only parent has to work to make ends meet, two-parent homes in which both parents need to work to make ends meet, homes where parents who do not have the time or training to properly educate a middle school or high school student in order to ready for them college or the adult world, and, of course, homes with students (sometimes more than one) with special needs who require intensive physical care and require one-on-one help to do any or a lot of their education. This stay-at-home order is stressful for many of these folks as I have witnessed by the emails I have gotten from students and parents.
- I have to say that it is truly remarkable that our politicians and healthcare providers have been so concerned with the increase in inactivity, obesity and mental health disorders until now. Now, we are asking most of our population to stay inside. Even in “good” home environment, a large majority of my students report sleeping a lot, and not getting outside. To boot, all of their sports are cancelled, and they can’t even play basketball at the local park (our city actually took down the basketball courts in some of our parks). Many of my students are not seeing their school or outside counselors or therapists while stuck inside with no outlets. Yes, I know we are dealing with a health concern, but we are exacerbating many more.
So, while most of us can do nothing about this current situation, necessary or not, I am asking that we not simplify a complicated situation with many factors. I am heartbroken daily that I can’t be there teaching some of my students who need me and other school staff to be there with them physically and emotionally during this time. I, personally, am praying for this stay-at-home order to end as soon as possible. “Safe-at-home” is a catch-phrase, not a reality for many.
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It was 1996, and while the Olympic Games were being held in Atlanta, GA, I was teaching 40+ Chinese teenagers in a Soviet-style concrete building with live electric wires running down the halls. It was a hot, June day, and my eager students, usually so quiet I could hear a pin drop, did something that shocked me; they all burst out laughing, uncontrollably. They weren’t trying to be rude like American teens might, I have seen that in my years of teaching. They revered teachers, feared them, really. They were actually in a state of disbelief that caused them to disrupt, lose themselves. Why? What brought this about? That day we were having a lesson on Easter.
Now, our summer English curriculum for this level of student included culture in order to increase the students’ background knowledge as many language programs do. I had been covering one or two holidays every day, and to me, Easter was just another holiday. After all, it wasn’t the only religious holiday. We also covered Christmas, so what was the big deal? To them, it was different. They were truly amazed, flabbergasted that America, a country they idolized in many ways, celebrated a holiday that involved someone rising from the dead. This, to them, was absurd, asinine really. How could such an educated culture believe in something like this? So in their disbelief, they laughed.
I have reflected on this incident many times since then. That day, I began to understand the shocking truth of Easter. Easter is about resurrection, an occurrence only brought about by a miracle of God. It means not only have our sins been covered, but we, in Christ, have conquered death. We are truly free of the fear of guilt AND of the afterlife. Without Easter, our faith is meaningless, we might as well claim nothing. Everything we know as Christians hinges on this miracle, foolishness to those who don’t believe. So, this weekend may we truly meditate on these words, “He is not here, but has risen. Remember how he told you, while he was still in Galilee, that the Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men and be crucified and on the third day rise” (Luke 24:6-7). For this, this truth of the resurrection, is not just another holiday, a day for eggs, bunnies and family. It is our lifeline, our ONLY hope.
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I don’t have what people would call an “easy-going” personality. Terms like “easy-going”, “fun-loving”, and “mellow” have never applied to me. I feel deeply, mourn often and hate most forms of change. My senior year in high school was probably the most difficult time in my life. Not only was I about to leave home, change enough to throw the average-Joe for a loop, but there was upheaval in my personal life that I wasn’t sure I was going to survive. Amidst a bout with anorexia, in an effort to control what little of my life I felt I could, a friend challenged me to do something strange. He told me to take a regular candle, burn it every day, and observe the changes. I am not sure my mom knew or was comfortable with me burning a candle in my room every night, but I accepted the challenge blindly, willing to accept any advice that might give some clarity to the fog I was in.
Considering this was over 25 years ago, the details of how long I did this escapes me, but over time, the candle was reduced to a deformed blob. No longer could the flame be seen except as a faint light glowing through that ugly glob of wax. The point, as my friend explained it, was that as Christ prunes us, as we become one with him, we lose our neat appearance, the “control” over certain areas of our lives, becoming nothing except a vessel for his light to show through.
I do not know how that experience affected me at the time because I struggled emotionally for quite some time after that, but I have often thought of that illustration at times. While my pain wasn’t instantly lightened, that, like that candle,I thought of this experiment often and was reminded that God was and is using all experiences, some not pleasant, to transform me into a person he can use, even shine through. In a way, our walk with Christ is a constant dying. As Jesus explains,”The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also” (John 12: 23-26). Sometimes the pruning process is ugly, but for followers of Christ, we must be “melted” into a vessel he can work through. To expect that we can be his while keeping his “flame” from transforming us is not true to the gospel.
In Matthew 16, Jesus addresses this again saying,“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?” (Matthew 16:24-26). Americans today deal with very little suffering. We deal with very little hunger, poverty, or death compared to those in Jesus’ time or other parts of the world. For us, even mild suffering is difficult, but when we face hardship, significant or insignificant, we can rest assured, as Romans 8:28 promises that, as we trust in him, he will use that difficulty to transform us into a vessel he can use to “glow” for him. So, may we not only tolerate but “rejoice” as Paul did that (God’s) power is made perfect in weakness” and “boast all the more gladly of (our) weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon (us)” (2 Corinthians 12:9).
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I’ll admit, as a working mother, there are many times I have wished that life would slow down, just for one day, even one hour, but when it did slow down due to COVID-19 , I encountered a crisis I could not have foreseen. For me, my job is source of security, a safety net. It may seem odd that going to a school with almost 2,000 public school kids every day is secure or safe, but this job, for me, is a calling, and it has been my “identity” for longer than I have been a mother, even longer than I have been married. Working with teenagers, the more difficult the better, has been a fulfilling career for me. While I believe that God clearly chose this path for me, being home for the last two weeks, and at least two more, in the middle of the school year, has shown me how much I rely on my career for my identity.
I can imagine that this change has affected many people in the same way. While I am working from home, I am now a “home school” mom, a role I never saw myself playing. Home school moms are no longer an anomaly, but the norm. Career people who are used to their spouses or a daycare caring for their children are making peanut butter sandwiches, teaching basic math, and reading stories to their kids in the middle of the work day. Pastors are even preaching to empty sanctuaries-things have definitely changed. And while these changes will not last forever, it has made me reevaluate my identity. Much like a singer whose vocal chords are attacked by a strange injury or disease, or a mother whose child leaves home for good, we cannot rely on our careers for our identities. Even our beloved volunteer and church duties are gone. We can’t even serve others in the ways we are used to-for me, I cannot meet with the two most important mentees I have right now.
Slowing down has, and still is, teaching me a few things: I am a child of God, first and foremost. My situation or career may change temporarily or long-term, but he has a plan for me to be used for his glory. Change is hard, really hard. I don’t like it, but as my best friend used to say, “Change is good, it lets you know you are alive”. For many of us, change has come quickly and dramatically. Now, I am needing to be a more supportive mother and wife at home. There is a lot of fear and chaos in the world, so I need to stay grounded in his word and “speak truth” to my family. My husband needs me to oversee my children’s education, and encourage them to trust God even when they can’t see their friends, teachers, even church leaders at this time. My husband needs me to support him while he is still working, and be the positive homemaker right now, even if I’m not used to it. I guess I am realizing that while my career or “calling” is important, the Bible also says, “The grass withers, and the flower falls, but the word of the Lord remains forever” (1 Peter 1:24–25), and “Come now, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit’— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes” (James 4:13-14). So, anything we trust in, whether it be a role, a career, status can be here today and gone tomorrow, and while normal life will eventually resume for most of us, I am realizing that my personal “identity” is fragile, more subject to change than I thought. All I truly have is Him whose “steadfast love never ceases”, for “‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in him’” (Lamentations 3: 21,24).
Carried Along 