Carried Along

A blog about real life through the lens of Christ

recent posts

  • Just Let Me Mourn #COVID-19

    Yesterday was a hard day. I got a message on Remind that my son and I had to go pick up his shadow box project from school. They were supposed to come up with a way to illustrate something they had learned. Most of them were about pollution, and my son was very excited about creating and presenting his project having to do with the destruction of turtle nesting grounds. But, he never got to present it, nor did he get to spend one day a week with this dynamic teacher he has wanted to have since he was three. To add to the wound, the teachers were wearing masks in the parking lot, and we weren’t allowed to get out of the car. It was a drive through and roll down your window affair. Now, I’m sure the teachers were following instructions, but it all made me so sad. He didn’t get to play, sing, laugh or play with that class or his regular class at school. He will not get to go on his choir tour, participate in field day or even physically say goodbye to his teacher and classmates. So today I need to mourn. For one day without slogans like “Safe at Home” and “Alone Together”, I need to be sad and face the loss the COVID-19 frenzy has caused.

    Now, I know that I sound cold and heartless. Some parts of the country have experienced great loss, but as it has been found by the states testing for the anti-bodies, COVID-19 hasn’t been any more deadly than the flu, especially in my county where one person has died. Still, all of a sudden, no one is concerned about obesity, inactivity, depression, suicide, abuse (domestic or child)-all of these things are now second to this disease which, let’s face it, will resurface if we don’t build immunity now. So, let’s set our “Pollyanna Sunshine” aside and be realistic for just a minute about what we have lost.

    1. We have lost connection. We can say “Alone Together” and “Safe at Home” all we want, but we have lost connection. We are learning alone. We don’t have classmates or student with us learning cooperatively, playing games and laughing. We are not singing together in music class, competing in gym or playing together at recess. We are missing out on the smiles, hugs and kind words of teachers, lunch ladies and volunteers. As a teacher, I am missing out, missing out on class discussions, jokes, off-the-wall comments-even snide comments would be okay at this point- and differing points of view. On top of that, we can’t go to church, something we have never experienced in our life time. Yes, we are worshiping online, but it is simply not the same. We are called to “gather together”, something people in some countries risk their lives for. We are not greeting each other, sitting next to each other, singing together, praying together. It is not happening, and it leaves a hole, a gaping one. So, I for one, would like to quit pretending we are all fine and mourn our loss of connection.
    2. We have lost human decency. I know it all in the name of saving lives, but let’s face it, some of what has happened is down right cold and uncaring. When I picked up my son’s school supplies, we were treated like we had the plague, people walk way around me at the grocery store-glaring at me like I am their enemy. Even the other day, my son and I were trying to avoid a car, and an older couple walked way around us making comments about how we were putting them at risk-in a state that is at 10 deaths, total. So, to put it bluntly, it is hurtful. Paranoia and fear cannot be coupled with kindness, and while a few people have maintained decency during this time, I am frankly hurt deeply by the lack of decency this paranoia has caused. Just let me say it. Please.
    3. Some people are not “safe at home”. As a public school teacher, I am keenly aware that, while all households are struggling right now with fear, change, stress, etc . . . some homes are not safe. For some kids Summer is plenty long enough. They benefit greatly from a safe school environment, sports, counseling, etc . . . They live in small apartments or trailers without yards or safe neighborhoods to spend time in. Some of their parents are drinking or using. Some do not have the proper space or environment to complete their work well or at all. And yes, some of them are not treated well at home. To add to this, mental health issues are sky-rocketing among the general population, so these vulnerable households are not doing well to say the least. I am heart-broken that I can’t be with my students during this time, and I am deeply concerned about the elementary students who truly need that positive environment they can’t be a part of right now. Don’t downplay this. No catch-phrase can make this better. We need community, some more than others.

    There are many more “unintended consequences” of this frenzied time we are in. And I cannot change any of it, but I needed to say it, to mourn, to speak the truth no one wants to address. We are created to be social, to be connected to one another. And, there will be consequences, some severe, the longer we stay apart. So, today I am sad, sad that I can’t talk to my co-workers, enjoy my students’ company, go to my son’s track meet, sing with my fellow believers, just be with people. I don’t need to be comforted or told how all of this is saving lives and I am not really alone. It hurts, and I need to say it. Maybe you need to say it too.

  • Please Don’t Simplify the Stay-At-Home Order

    The current stay at home orders have, of course, spurred all sorts of comments. While many of us are still working, we are more isolated, so what do we do? In an effort to connect, we turn to social media more than ever before. Socialmedia.com reports that app use is up 20% since these quarantines have started. According to my observations, many of the posts, on Facebook at least, are in favor of staying home to avoid the spread. I will not weigh in on the necessity of almost completely shutting society down because, well, my opinion doesn’t matter, but as a public school teacher, I am bothered by the simplicity with which most people I’ve seen are commenting on what is happening.

    I will start off by saying that I am enjoying time spent with my family. I know that not having constant outside activities is good for many of us, as we often feel we are failing as parents without providing all of these extra activities for our children. We are forced to slow down and appreciate time together. All of these are good things. And, my own children are fine. While they miss their friends and teachers desperately, my own children are doing their work without a fight. Granted, I can help them with their work because I am around, and I only have two children who don’t have special needs.

    I am bothered though, by the simplicity with which many people are simplifying what is happening. While my own family is trusting the Lord for what is happening, this stay-at-home order is not all roses, and “just stay positive” does not help the fact that I am heartbroken that I am not teaching right now for a few reasons:

    1. Not EVERYONE is safe at home. Our hometown gazette reported a few weeks ago that police are worried about abuse cases rising during this time. A friend of ours who handles child abuse cases for our county says there are some students who simply need to be at school and is worried about the increase of reports she is getting, and will get, during this time. Simply put, parents are laid off, and liquor stores and medical marijuana shops are essential (in my state anyway). Add to that that some homes are toxic for various reasons such as drug and alcohol use. So, young children in toxic homes are not safe, and teens in these homes are, unfortunately, not able to work for their own money, which many of them need, or keep busy with work avoiding toxic home environments and temptations of drug use or inappropriate internet use.
    2. Homeschooling is for a small minority (approximately 3 percent of the population according to https://nces.ed.gov/programs/digest/d18/tables/dt18_206.10.asp) for several reasons. Yes, some people simply choose not to home school, but many reasons include: single-parent homes in which the only parent has to work to make ends meet, two-parent homes in which both parents need to work to make ends meet, homes where parents who do not have the time or training to properly educate a middle school or high school student in order to ready for them college or the adult world, and, of course, homes with students (sometimes more than one) with special needs who require intensive physical care and require one-on-one help to do any or a lot of their education. This stay-at-home order is stressful for many of these folks as I have witnessed by the emails I have gotten from students and parents.
    3. I have to say that it is truly remarkable that our politicians and healthcare providers have been so concerned with the increase in inactivity, obesity and mental health disorders until now. Now, we are asking most of our population to stay inside. Even in “good” home environment, a large majority of my students report sleeping a lot, and not getting outside. To boot, all of their sports are cancelled, and they can’t even play basketball at the local park (our city actually took down the basketball courts in some of our parks). Many of my students are not seeing their school or outside counselors or therapists while stuck inside with no outlets. Yes, I know we are dealing with a health concern, but we are exacerbating many more.

    So, while most of us can do nothing about this current situation, necessary or not, I am asking that we not simplify a complicated situation with many factors. I am heartbroken daily that I can’t be there teaching some of my students who need me and other school staff to be there with them physically and emotionally during this time. I, personally, am praying for this stay-at-home order to end as soon as possible. “Safe-at-home” is a catch-phrase, not a reality for many.

  • The Shocking Truth About Easter

    It was 1996, and while the Olympic Games were being held in Atlanta, GA, I was teaching 40+ Chinese teenagers in a Soviet-style concrete building with live electric wires running down the halls. It was a hot, June day, and my eager students, usually so quiet I could hear a pin drop, did something that shocked me; they all burst out laughing, uncontrollably. They weren’t trying to be rude like American teens might, I have seen that in my years of teaching. They revered teachers, feared them, really. They were actually in a state of disbelief that caused them to disrupt, lose themselves. Why? What brought this about? That day we were having a lesson on Easter.

    Now, our summer English curriculum for this level of student included culture in order to increase the students’ background knowledge as many language programs do. I had been covering one or two holidays every day, and to me, Easter was just another holiday. After all, it wasn’t the only religious holiday. We also covered Christmas, so what was the big deal? To them, it was different. They were truly amazed, flabbergasted that America, a country they idolized in many ways, celebrated a holiday that involved someone rising from the dead. This, to them, was absurd, asinine really. How could such an educated culture believe in something like this? So in their disbelief, they laughed.

    I have reflected on this incident many times since then. That day, I began to understand the shocking truth of Easter. Easter is about resurrection, an occurrence only brought about by a miracle of God. It means not only have our sins been covered, but we, in Christ, have conquered death. We are truly free of the fear of guilt AND of the afterlife. Without Easter, our faith is meaningless, we might as well claim nothing. Everything we know as Christians hinges on this miracle, foolishness to those who don’t believe. So, this weekend may we truly meditate on these words, “He is not here, but has risen. Remember how he told you, while he was still in Galilee,  that the Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men and be crucified and on the third day rise” (Luke 24:6-7). For this, this truth of the resurrection, is not just another holiday, a day for eggs, bunnies and family. It is our lifeline, our ONLY hope.

  • When You Feel Like a Blob of Wax

    I don’t have what people would call an “easy-going” personality. Terms like “easy-going”, “fun-loving”, and “mellow” have never applied to me. I feel deeply, mourn often and hate most forms of change. My senior year in high school was probably the most difficult time in my life. Not only was I about to leave home, change enough to throw the average-Joe for a loop, but there was upheaval in my personal life that I wasn’t sure I was going to survive. Amidst a bout with anorexia, in an effort to control what little of my life I felt I could, a friend challenged me to do something strange. He told me to take a regular candle, burn it every day, and observe the changes. I am not sure my mom knew or was comfortable with me burning a candle in my room every night, but I accepted the challenge blindly, willing to accept any advice that might give some clarity to the fog I was in.

    Considering this was over 25 years ago, the details of how long I did this escapes me, but over time, the candle was reduced to a deformed blob. No longer could the flame be seen except as a faint light glowing through that ugly glob of wax. The point, as my friend explained it, was that as Christ prunes us, as we become one with him, we lose our neat appearance, the “control” over certain areas of our lives, becoming nothing except a vessel for his light to show through.

    I do not know how that experience affected me at the time because I struggled emotionally for quite some time after that, but I have often thought of that illustration at times. While my pain wasn’t instantly lightened, that, like that candle,I thought of this experiment often and was reminded that God was and is using all experiences, some not pleasant, to transform me into a person he can use, even shine through. In a way, our walk with Christ is a constant dying. As Jesus explains,”The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also” (John 12: 23-26). Sometimes the pruning process is ugly, but for followers of Christ, we must be “melted” into a vessel he can work through. To expect that we can be his while keeping his “flame” from transforming us is not true to the gospel.

    In Matthew 16, Jesus addresses this again saying,“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?” (Matthew 16:24-26). Americans today deal with very little suffering. We deal with very little hunger, poverty, or death compared to those in Jesus’ time or other parts of the world. For us, even mild suffering is difficult, but when we face hardship, significant or insignificant, we can rest assured, as Romans 8:28 promises that, as we trust in him, he will use that difficulty to transform us into a vessel he can use to “glow” for him. So, may we not only tolerate but “rejoice” as Paul did that (God’s) power is made perfect in weakness” and “boast all the more gladly of (our) weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon (us)” (2 Corinthians 12:9).

  • Identity Crisis

    I’ll admit, as a working mother, there are many times I have wished that life would slow down, just for one day, even one hour, but when it did slow down due to COVID-19 , I encountered a crisis I could not have foreseen. For me, my job is source of security, a safety net. It may seem odd that going to a school with almost 2,000 public school kids every day is secure or safe, but this job, for me, is a calling, and it has been my “identity” for longer than I have been a mother, even longer than I have been married. Working with teenagers, the more difficult the better, has been a fulfilling career for me. While I believe that God clearly chose this path for me, being home for the last two weeks, and at least two more, in the middle of the school year, has shown me how much I rely on my career for my identity.

    I can imagine that this change has affected many people in the same way. While I am working from home, I am now a “home school” mom, a role I never saw myself playing. Home school moms are no longer an anomaly, but the norm. Career people who are used to their spouses or a daycare caring for their children are making peanut butter sandwiches, teaching basic math, and reading stories to their kids in the middle of the work day. Pastors are even preaching to empty sanctuaries-things have definitely changed. And while these changes will not last forever, it has made me reevaluate my identity. Much like a singer whose vocal chords are attacked by a strange injury or disease, or a mother whose child leaves home for good, we cannot rely on our careers for our identities. Even our beloved volunteer and church duties are gone. We can’t even serve others in the ways we are used to-for me, I cannot meet with the two most important mentees I have right now.

    Slowing down has, and still is, teaching me a few things: I am a child of God, first and foremost. My situation or career may change temporarily or long-term, but he has a plan for me to be used for his glory. Change is hard, really hard. I don’t like it, but as my best friend used to say, “Change is good, it lets you know you are alive”. For many of us, change has come quickly and dramatically. Now, I am needing to be a more supportive mother and wife at home. There is a lot of fear and chaos in the world, so I need to stay grounded in his word and “speak truth” to my family. My husband needs me to oversee my children’s education, and encourage them to trust God even when they can’t see their friends, teachers, even church leaders at this time. My husband needs me to support him while he is still working, and be the positive homemaker right now, even if I’m not used to it. I guess I am realizing that while my career or “calling” is important, the Bible also says,  “The grass withers, and the flower falls, but the word of the Lord remains forever” (1 Peter 1:24–25), and “Come now, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit’—  yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes” (James 4:13-14). So, anything we trust in, whether it be a role, a career, status can be here today and gone tomorrow, and while normal life will eventually resume for most of us, I am realizing that my personal “identity” is fragile, more subject to change than I thought. All I truly have is Him whose “steadfast love never ceases”, for “‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in him’” (Lamentations 3: 21,24).

  • Abortion: What the Church is Missing

    I’ll admit it. I love cheesy movies. As the only female in my house, I have endured countless hours of harassment from the “boys” in my house over the Hallmark and Hallmarkish movies I watch. The bad acting, the fairy tale endings, the assurance that the guy always gets the girl and everyone reconciles-I love it all. I am not sure why I love these movies, but I tell people that I deal with enough real life as a public school teacher. Depression, drugs, sex, abuse, neglect, hopelessness-I accept this as my normal a lot of the time, so when I am at home, I want to know what I’m getting.

    The other day I happened to watch one of these cheesy movies. It was on Netflix because I actually don’t have Hallmark Channel anymore, and it turned out to be about a Christian young man who gets his girlfriend pregnant during his freshman year of college. It was clearly made with a pro-life message which is fantastic, but every time I see something like this movie or sit through “Sanctity of Life Sunday” at church, I feel somehow like the church is missing the reality of what girls who have abortions really go through. Don’t get me wrong, the abortion industry is big business, and I can affirm the fact that they really do tell the young girls I’ve known that what is inside them isn’t a baby. They do brain-wash them. I have personally heard this from girls who have visited Planned Parenthood. So, what is the church missing? Well, in this movie I watched recently, this young man has an incredibly supportive family. They don’t want to take a life, and they let the mother live with them. She also has an incredibly supportive mother who believes in the sanctity of life, etc . . . I think the problem with these movies is they are not portraying what life is like for a lot of people with unwanted pregnancies. Yes, there are some people who have abortions because it is inconvenient, but I have never encountered this. What I have seen is young girls with zero support from anyone whose mothers also have no support. The girls I know of have no father they know very well, and in one case, the girls father was the father of her child. They are not close to the “father” of their child, and in one case, the girl may not have even consented to the sex in the first place. If they are actually in a relationship with the father, it is often unhealthy.

    The other aspect the church is missing is how incredibly hard it is for the girls who DO have their babies. It may surprise you, but many young girls with zero religious background don’t want to take a life. They would never think about killing their child, but they have no parenting skills. They often do not have supportive families, as I stated above, and know nothing about raising children because, as I like to say, they were not raised themselves, but “survived” their childhoods. They deal with ridicule, poverty, lack of education and unhealthy relationships with the father and their own families.

    Much of the time, the church loves to stand against abortion while missing the complex reality behind abortions and unwanted pregnancies. So what is the point? What can be done? It is important for the church to be fully pro-life. It is not enough to be pro-life or protest at clinics, a practice I don’t support for several reasons. We have to be INVOLVED in the lives of those at-risk for unwanted pregnancies. We can volunteer at Crisis Pregnancy Centers, mentor in schools or organizations for at-risk youth, coach a sports team or simply encourage our own children to pray for and be supportive of their peers in the public school setting. We need to walk along-side those who are essentially “orphans” as the Bible commands. When we do this, we are not only fulfilling the command from James 1:27 but actively promoting life in deed instead of word only.

  • Choose Life

    In these trying times, I am trying to cope with the fact that I view life differently than a lot of people. Even this morning, as I walked into the grocery store, a fellow shopper handed me a sanitizing wipe for my cart. I was actually taken aback. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it was nice of her, and I did actually sanitize my cart at Walmart the other day, for once, but that was a rare occasion. I simply don’t live my life in fear of much, but I definitely do not let the fear of germs control me. I have taught school for so long, fully aware of all of the dangers. Not only am I in contact with 1000s of people each day, in addition to those my kids come into contact with in their schools, but I have never taught a year without a school shooting happening, somewhere in the country. I KNOW what the dangers are, but I am convinced it is more important to do what I am called to do, and that is be where the people are. I have spent one week away from my students in order to “social distance”, and it is so depressing that I can’t see them, talk to them, hear their sarcastic comments, really sad. That is what I am called to do, and the minute they let me back in the doors, I will be there again, despite the dangers. And my own kids will go back to school whenever they can because God wants us to shine his light, and almost always, that requires us to do the opposite of social distancing, daily. So today I “choose life” the best I know how because to choose fear in my mind is to also choose the “death and destruction” Deuteronomy mentions. Will people get sick? Yes. Is it okay to use caution? Yes. Is it okay to stop living because of fear? No. We are not to stop living, sharing life with others, “for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control . . . for I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that day what has been entrusted to me” (2 Timothy 1:7, 13). May we remember the example of Christ, who refused to “social distance” from the sick, the poor, the outcast, etc . . . May we choose life.

  • The Problem With Prayer

    Prayer is a funny thing. As believers, we talk about prayer daily. We often tell others that we are praying for people, circumstances, relationships, and we ask them if we can pray for them, and promise to. There are times in my life when I prayed, truly prayed, clinging in desperation to Christ, knowing a specific circumstance could only change with his power, but that time is not now. If I look back on the times when I truly clung to God in prayer, I see how he answered, sustained me, restored broken relationships, etc . . . The problem is that I often don’t even think about him answering my prayers. They are a formality, something I “should” do, but I am often not really looking for him to actually DO anything in response. That is okay in some ways, because God is not a cash register, and he always answers with his wisdom and timing, but I should expect more, because as James writes, “But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind” (James 1:6). The other day, I had a conversation with an old friend about a relationship that had finally been restored after years of turmoil and prayer. I remember leaving the coffee shop that day feeling so convicted because it had taken me several months to figure out that our prayers had been answered, miraculously answered, and it was barely a blip on my radar. My response of, “That’s good!” should have been “Praise the Lord! Isn’t is miraculous what God has done!” Even in the past year, I look at personal prayers for others and my own personal life that have been answered, specifically, beyond what I could have asked or imagined, but I failed to give thanks, praise God, reflect on the beauty of his wisdom and timing in those situations. A friend got a job that changed her life, a seemingly irreparable marriage was restored, I reached personal goals I never thought I would reach, and I barely even noticed.

    As 2 Peter states, “But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day. The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance” (2 Peter 3: 8-9), and we do have to wait, sometimes even years, for a prayer to be answered in God’s perfect time, but I suggest that he has answered specific prayers for all of us in the past week, month, year, that we have failed to appreciate. Instead, I know for me, we focus on the world so much, that we can’t see how powerfully he is moving in our day, our time, our lives. May we pray continually, purposefully, and EXPECT His perfect results.  

  • The Truth? Not today.

    When my son was in kindergarten, he lied, not just a few times, but frequently. At least once every few weeks, he would tell us a tall tale about what happened to his lost glove, lunch box, etc . . . He was 5-years-old, and he didn’t want us to be mad or disappointed, so he lied. A few times we figured it out, and a few times the teacher confirmed that what we were told was not true. I’ll admit, at the time it was bothersome. After all, who wants their child to be a liar? Lying is a sin. Thank God, that pattern didn’t last long, but it was difficult for us to swallow. If he felt like he had to lie, why, and for how long would this last? Now, I’m not saying my boys are 100% truthful, who is? But, I am happy to report that my son outgrew that phase of constant story-telling and is now a responsible 12-year-old middle school student. I am not so sure, however, that we, as Christians, are really proponents of truth in general. Do we want our children to lie to us? No, of course not, but do we really want the cold, hard truth in many cases? Apparently not.

    I was confronted by this the other day while visiting with a friend. As she shared a conviction she was struggling with, I found myself focusing on the behavior, not the heart of the issue. The truth? I wanted her to tell me what I wanted to hear, so I wouldn’t have to deal with the fact that she is really struggling with her faith and that this is affecting her life in every way. I find this in myself a lot: mental illness, sexual identity or promiscuity, crises of faith-do I really want people to be honest about these things? It is much nicer if they just pretend that everything is fine. The truth is, simply, too messy. As a high school teacher, I don’t want to know everything about my students. Yes, I know quite a bit because I am their writing teacher, which means they tell me some personal details, but I don’t really want to know what they watch, listen to or do on the weekends. Why? Being a teenager is hard, and they are doing, watching, and listening to things I wouldn’t approve of at times. I have, at times, “jokingly” asked them to stop sharing because they are “losing their halo” I have metaphorically placed on their heads, just to preserve my sanity.

    Now, I may have to prevent myself from knowing everything about my students because, well, I have to teach sometime, but I do need to ask myself, “Am I really a proponent of the truth?” Do I see people as God sees them? Am I truly wanting to get to the heart of the matter with people like Christ with the woman at the well or Zacchaeus? Do I have God’s eyes that told Samuel,“Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7). I think in most cases, I really just want people to be okay. I don’t want to know their deepest fears or insecurities because it is too uncomfortable, too inconvenient. The problem is not that this desire for comfort makes me selfish. The problem is that, without the admission of truth, no one, including me, can confess sin, accept forgiveness, or be reconciled with God and others. So, when I encourage others to “keep up appearances” I am hindering the gospel, plain and simple. Lord, help me hold out the truth. As Christ told his followers,  “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, 32 and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (John 8: 31).

  • My Hall of Faith

    She isn’t famous, or even well-known. She never started a foundation or even had a career. Not only is she not a part of history in any way, but she dealt with almost crippling insecurity her entire life, even at the time of her death. But despite her seeming insignificance, she daily inspires my walk with God. To me, she is of utmost significance. Who is she? She is not only my grandmother but my muse.

    I’ve always loved Hebrews 11. What a beautiful reminder of the faithful waiting, and suffering, our fathers in the faith endured. From Abel to Samuel, these imperfect, yet faithful, followers of God ” . . . through faith conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, were made strong out of weakness, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight . . . Some were tortured . . . suffered mocking and flogging, and even chains of imprisonment . . . ” (Hebrews 11:33-36). In a world of modern conveniences, I am tempted to think that I should not endure suffering of any kind. At the same time, it is evident that despite modern conveniences, medicine and “civilized governments”, suffering will continue. Now, instead of enemy armies, an infant mortality rate of 28%, and a life time of back-breaking labor, we are dealing with crippling anxiety and depression as well as the unsettling news that modern medicine cannot prevent all infant deaths or battles with cancer.

    Because suffering is still a part of our lives, we have a dilemma on our hands. What do we do with this reality? For me, I have had to accept the reality of suffering since my early teen years. Despite my very stable, Christian, middle class family, depression has been a part of my life. I was never abused or neglected in any way, so I can only accept this as a result of a fallen world. I have always wanted a family, so when I had my first child at 31, I was so happy. My husband and I had waited for this moment. Unfortunately, that birth came with a dose of postpartum depression. I was heart-broken that this time was tainted by these negative emotions, but my “hall of faith” helped me during this time. Whenever I was particularly down, I remembered my grandmother- demeaned by her mother, suffered from poverty during the great depression, struggled to care for a young family of six on meager funds, lost a baby to premature birth, and struggled greatly with almost crippling insecurity for all of her life. Even though my son was born over 12 years ago, I remember thinking of her, what her days were like, and realizing that what I was suffering was nothing compared to what she suffered. Amidst all that she went through, she never lost her faith, so I knew that if she could carry on in faith, so could I. While our fathers in the faith never saw the Messiah they were so desperately waiting for, my grandmother was never cured of her insecurity on this earth. It was and is my conviction that when I still feel anxious, overwhelmed, or close to despair, that I must “lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and . . . run with endurance” the race set before me (Hebrews 12: 1). For just like Abraham or my grandmother, I will not understand every situation or emotion that comes my way, but one day we will receive “a kingdom that cannot be shaken”, so I must carry on as they did, remembering my “hall of faith”.