Independent, productive, brilliant. Yes, these are some of the words to describe the teenage years, but these are not the usual terms. Hormonal, moody, difficult, and quarrelsome? Those are the words I hear more often. My teen years were all of these-wonderful and difficult- and after over 20 years of teaching teenagers, I would like to tell parents a few things from my point of view. Am I an expert? No. My son is only 12, so we are just beginning our journey, but as a high school English teacher, I would like to give some encouragement to parents. After years of reading journal entries and essays written by your teens, there are a few things you should know.
You are important. I know, they are prickly. They don’t give too many warm fuzzies. I spend 7 hours a day with them, but I recently had them write a letter of appreciation to anyone of their choice on Valentine’s Day. Yes, there were a few notes to a boyfriend or girlfriend, but hands down, 50% wrote a letter to one or both of their parents saying how much they appreciate them. One letter stands out in my mind, though. A boy, 10th grade, wrote that he appreciates his parents, and that he wishes he could tell them that despite the rough times they’ve had in the last few years, he really appreciates what they’ve done for him. It was clear, he would not deliver this letter, so just know. You are more appreciated than you will ever know.
They want you to pay attention to them. Again, I get it. They are always on their phones, and they act annoyed when you ask them to get off, but they actually do want your actual attention. They write about you being on your phone when you are all out to dinner, so, yes, they do it too, but they want you to put down your device and try to spend time with them. They are also touched by the fact that you come their events. Sports, music, drama, all of it. They want you there. Will they say, “Thank you?” Probably not, but they will remember, and they might tell me about it in their journal. So, continue to be there, eat with them, go to their 20th band concert. Even if they don’t act like they appreciate it. They do.
They are capable of a lot. They are so talented and brilliant in so many ways. Trust them to try things, make decisions, and mess up. They want to help others, succeed, even change the world. Treat them like the “almost adults” that they are. Don’t “turn them loose” yet, but allow them to make as many decisions as possible. And if they have challenges, like a learning disability, autism, traumatic pasts,or other challenges, trust them too. The good majority of my teaching career has been working with at-risk students. Recently, I spent time with a group of former students, now 22 or 23, all at-risk, and I am happy to report that they make it. They grow up, work, find love, have children, all of it. So, even if you are desperately worried about their special challenges, God has a plan for that too. So, trust them also. These students are some of the most hard-working, caring people I know. They are capable of great things, and many are my heroes.
So, why am I writing to you? These teen years are difficult, but they go so fast. Keep caring, trying, talking and being there. They notice, and they still need you to spend time with them, care, and tell them they are doing a good job, even when things are a little rocky. You may never know their appreciation, but it is there. I am a witness.
I never tire of the mountains. I want to be in them every day-rain, snow, sun-it doesn’t matter. While we don’t own a mountain get-a-way, we only live one hour away, so we try to go as often as possible. And the lack of organized activities this year has allowed for a bit more of that, I’m happy to say. Our dear friends do own a cabin, however, and let us stay from time to time. So, my boys and I snuck up there for a night to be in nature, escape wifi, and hike. It was the first time we’d been there without either their grandparents or my husband, and it was fun but different. Having no screens, my older son-who is a music freak-played the keyboard most of the night after a small attempt at board games. I’ll admit, I was a little put out. I wished someone else could have come and that my older son would happily play board games with us, but it didn’t happen that way.
My 10 year-old, however, did not let that dampen his mood. You see, I am his most favorite person in the world. So, he was more than content, elated really, that he could “play” charades with just me for the evening. This game consisted of him acting out an animal, object, or action and me guessing it. Basically, he was the immediate “winner”. The items were fairly easy, so I could usually guess correctly, but he didn’t seem to care. At one point, he even said, “I must be pretty good at acting.” As he was happily getting new cards and celebrating every time I guessed correctly, I wondered if this is what Jesus meant when he told the disciples “ . . . for to such belongs the kingdom of God . . . Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it .”(Mark 10: 14-15). Children were not considered important in ancient cultures, but Jesus knew differently. Children know the most about absolute faith and complete devotion, those traits needed in the commandment “Love the Lord your God with all of your heart sole, mind and strength” (Matthew 22;37). That night, I was focused on what wasn’t quite right, but he was happy about one thing-spending time with me, the love of his life (for these first 10 years at least).
Aaah, the simplicity of a child’s outlook. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if I could be satisfied or even “delighted” just to spend time with my father? The one who knew me in the womb, created me, called me into relationship with him, and has and will provide me with all I need. What if that was all I needed? Well, the answer to that is that God is all I need. But, I will admit that the admonition of Psalm 37 is a bit foreign to me right now. Oh, it applies exactly to the unrest I am struggling with , the verses stating,
“Fret not yourself because of
evildoers; be not envious of wrongdoers!
For they will soon fade like the
grass and with like the green herb.
Trust in the Lord, and do good;
dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the Lord
and he will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37: 1-4).
Right now, I am immediately convicted by these words, for I am concerned about many things right now. I am angry that evil is celebrated, that I have no certainty about the year to come, that I am uncomfortable with so many circumstances around me, that I feel powerless. And in this moment, I cannot make myself be immediately at peace. I am not “delighting in the Lord” alone like my son delighted in spending time with me that night. As a result, I don’t feel like I have the desires of my heart.
So, what do I do? The Psalm goes on to say,
“Commit your way to the Lord;
Trust in him, and he will act.
He will bring for your
Righteousness as the light and your justice as the noonday.
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
Fret not . . .
Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath!” (Psalm 37: 5-8).
Lord, forgive me for fretting, for not looking to you alone, for not delighting in you but in the worldly comforts I can’t have right now. Please grant me the peace I can’t grant myself in these times. Give me the heart of a child desiring only the presence of his perfect father. Answer this prayer in my own heart,
Yesterday, we hiked as a family. My husband and I hiked a lot when we first met and married, and now, after years of training, our boys are old enough to hike almost anything. One of my sons has a hurting heel, so we decided we needed to hike something that didn’t involve too much climbing. We decided on a trail we haven’t hiked in years. It was not only beautiful and peaceful but provided that familiar aroma of unadulterated fresh air mixed with the fragrance of pine. When everyone was hungry for lunch, we decided to walk a little further only to realize that the photo my husband and I consider our “engagement” photo-taken by our 12 year-old niece-was taken on that very hike 17 years ago. It was a great day.
Unfortunately,this past week I have been anything but content. Being out of “work” for the past 6 months, without a schedule and daily interaction with my students and colleagues, coupled by limited vacation options, mask fatigue, and frustration with what I will call “the state of things” in general has caused a general sense of “unrest” in my soul. So, today, as I perused the many verses about thankfulness, I realized something. These verses, many of which I have known for years, do not have the “If . . . then” option. For example, when Psalms 7:17 states, “I will give thanks to the Lord because of his righteousness” and Psalm 100:4-5 states, “Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise . . . For the Lord is good and his love endures forever”, nothing is provisional. David’s thankfulness does not hinge on how free he feels, if his life has been disrupted or the lack of unrest in his country. It is based on the character of God alone. In fact, much of the Bible is wrought with oppression, unrest, even slavery and imprisonment. Nevertheless, thankfulness is not an option.
So, today I am thankful
Thankful for my family
Immediate and extended
For their health and support
For the extra time I’ve had with them
For my pastors
Who are shepherding their flock
Through such uncertain times
For my church family
And the ability to worship WITH them
When some are forbidden (even in the U.S.)
Even when singing in a mask is less than ideal
For less scheduled activities
(Though I hate to give them up)
And more time to chat
or take a walk with someone
For smaller, less stressful vacations
Hikes, day drives through Yellowstone Park
The opportunity to appreciate
The beauty that is close to home
For my job
That I have one and that it allows me
To do what I love the most
In whatever form I can
For personal safety
And the police that put their lives on the line
To ensure that
And School Resource Officers
Who make my community and its schools a safer place
For access to healthcare and those who make that possible
I sent a text the other day to one of my friends. With the shut down of school (and society for a while) I have lost touch with so many of my friends, especially those associated with my work or my kids’ school. I asked her how she was intending to see how she was dealing with all of the #COVID-related issues, but the response I got was nothing of the sort. Two of her family members living in Africa had just passed away for unmentioned reasons. In addition, she had lost a total of 8 family members there so far this year, 4 in a car accident. As I was processing this information, I realized how selfish I’ve become in the last few months.
I have been so bothered by the disruptions to my life in the last few months that I have forgotten, forgotten that life is going on and others are suffering. Yes, some are suffering from COVID, injustice, fear of the rise in violence in our country, but they are also suffering personally from circumstances, loneliness and anxiety, many from a source they can’t identify. Just because I can’t do what I’m used to like teaching, traveling, planning-well- anything at all, doesn’t mean I can forget the basics. The question the Pharisees asked Jesus in Matthew is the same questions we all have right now. Mainly, “God, what do you want me to do now? Now that my world has been turned upside down?” The answer he gave them is the same answer he gives us now. The greatest commandment is still “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind . . . You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22: 37-39).
Both of these commandment are “other” focused. Neither one asks me to look at myself, only upward and outward. And I’ve been so focused on myself and my desire to return to “normal life”-which I may never see again-that I have failed. Failed to realize that God is not in shock and dismay as I am. In fact, not only is he perfectly aware of everything that is happening, but his plan has never changed once. Despite the discomfort I feel, his passion towards drawing people to himself is the same. And just because I am self-centered doesn’t mean there aren’t those who need my help or friendship even more during this time.
During the last election, my friend posted a meme that stated, “Turn off your TV and love your neighbor.” I do not watch the news much, I am definitely more focused on the chaos around me that the one who hold my future in my hand. Praying I can “turn it off” whether physically or emotionally and remember that not only does God’s perfect plan prevail, but he wants me to be a part of it.
I love school, in any form. The smell of pencils, crayons, new books, all of it gives me a strange feeling of excitement. In fact, I have never missed a fall in school, not one. My boys have bought into my excitement, and are ready to go back now-especially after spending 6 months at home. But, I have to admit, this fall has a different sentiment, an added feeling of unpredictability I’ve never experienced before. Sure, there are plans, but they are all tentative. I am hopeful we will go back, but there are so many unknowns.
How will it work? Masks, schedules, lunches, sports-the questions are endless, and unanswerable at this time. Never has there been so much uncertainty. This got me thinking of the song “Step by Step” by Rich Mullins, one of my favorites. Sure, we Christians say that we “follow” Christ. Sure, we know the passage in James that says, “Come now, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit’— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, ‘If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.’” We even say these words to each other at times, but we have rarely had to actually apply it to our lives.
We love schedules. They give us stability, help us keep our kids busy, make us look like good parents, and, let’s face it, help us keep our sanity. Knowing what is next is what we all want, as much as possible. Until this year. This year the rug has been pulled out from under us, and will continue to be. Activities, plans, and vacations have all been cancelled, and continue to be. Who knows what the next few months will bring. And it’s uncomfortable, unnerving. I don’t know what to tell my kids or myself. Never had I felt closer to some other of Rich’s lyrics that say, “So if I stand let me stand on the promise/That you will pull me through/And if I can’t, let me fall on the grace/That first brought me to You” (If I Stand).
But what if this time of unending uncertainty is not a curse but an opportunity, an opportunity to actually live what we say and rely daily, even hourly on Christ. And follow him instead of our plans. To actually get up each morning and seek him for the day’s activities because, for once, our lives are not already filled up with our own plans. Maybe we can actually deny our plans and pick up our cross and follow him because we actually have time to hear our shepherd’s voice (John 10:27) telling us to take a walk, make a visit, write a note, or have someone over for dinner because our calendars aren’t full for once. So many possibilities! Lord, give us eyes to see opportunity instead of inconvenience, the true work you have for us during these strange times.
When I was 22 years old, I taught high school English. Among my students that year was a 16 year old mother of a 1 year old girl. It was well known that her home-life was rough as well, especially in regards to her own abusive mother. While I don’t remember her name, I do remember chatting with her one day while she was trying to catch up on some missing work and realizing-in a limited way-how little I understood of what her life was like, how little I felt like I had to offer her. Generational poverty, teen parenthood, a sordid home-life, none of these had ever been a part of my fairly rosy life so far.
Year after year, I continued to encounter these students, counting on me to educate them, to give them what they need to step into adulthood, who were facing seemingly insurmountable obstacles along the way. My heart broke every time as I realized over and over how unfair life is, how much harder some people have to work to be successful. I taught them, but I truly felt like my efforts were often in vain. They were dealing with problems I could not help with.
Years later, after working in a treatment center, I began teaching special education. One year, a particular teacher gave all of my special education students A’s instead of individual accommodations. I remember that one of my students was working hard on a research paper when he came into my room to inform me that she had given him an A on a paper he hadn’t yet completed. In her mind, since his academic skills were lower than the other kids, the “kind” thing to do was “gift” him this A. He was truly dejected and angry. He had put all of this work into this paper, and she wasn’t even going to look at it. Her “gift” also sent the message that he “couldn’t” do what other kids his age could do.
That incident, along with many others slowly began to change my thinking. We were created to work hard and make our own way. My students, even those with the most challenges, do not want free grades, they want to learn and grow. They want to be able to do “it”, whatever “it” is so that when the time comes for them to do the job, take the test, write the paper, they can do it on their own. I began pushing my students, all of them, but especially my special education students. I taught them to write the essays, cite quotes, understand the vocabulary, and read what the other students were reading. The transformation was uncanny, and I will never forget when one of my students said, “I am so glad to taught me how to write. Today I had to write an essay in history, and I knew exactly how to do it.”
And I began to gain confidence, not confidence that I KNEW what it was like to deal with racism, poverty, abuse, and disabilities of every kind, but confidence that just as many great coaches push their athletes to achieve success, I must push my students to achieve more on their own because, in the end, life is and never has been fair. And while I do everything in my power daily to make my classroom and school as safe and accessible to EVERY student, the world they are soon to enter will require that some of them work harder than others to be successful.
Just like parents who make excuses for their children are disabling rather than helping their children, I, as a teacher, am disabling a student I don’t push to do the most he/she can do on their own. Because while I, personally, am responsible for treating others fairly and equally, the idea that life should be completely fair, as much as I want it to be, is a fairy tale, and teaching people to see themselves as victims of impossible circumstances does not help them succeed.
Disclaimer: It is important to note that some people feel called to engage in politics on a larger scale. In addition, there are times for “peaceful” protests to emphasize injustice, which all of us must stand against as it comes our way. But, the current trend of telling people that all police, rich, or people of a certain race are evil and full of hatred is NOT a helpful message. This is not only hurting society as a whole but is hurting the people those spreading this message are “claiming” to help. The phrase “Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime” is true. In the end, victims NEVER win. The best way to help people is to empower them to do all they can do, responsibly, on their own. This may not be popular, but the confidence they build can carry them places nothing else can.
When I was 18 years-old, I signed up to work with a group in Yellowstone National Park. We were to work in various areas of the park in various jobs, either housekeeping or food service, and offer Bible studies. It just so happened that I was assigned to work at Yellowstone Lake. Having grown up in Montana, I was accustomed to the beauty of the mountains, but living at the lake that summer was such a serene and awe-inspiring experience. In addition to the hiking almost daily, I spent time every day sitting by this vast body of water, surrounded by mountains, journaling and praying. Now, more than 25 years later, my family and I visit the lake at least twice a year. Our kids grew up throwing rocks into the Yellowstone River and tracking its location all over the state, so they appreciate the reach this mountain lake has, feeding such an influential river, hundreds of miles from its source.
This past weekend, on a short visit there, my son asked me if Yellowstone Lake could ever dry up. As we looked at the surrounding mountains with visible snow on them, even in the last days of June, my husband and I chuckled and responded that the likelihood was very low that it would ever run dry as some lakes have done, and I was reminded in this place of such beauty that, despite the chaos our world seems to be in, God’s mercy and providence are like this lake, both reliable and life-giving, not unpredictable like this ever-changing world full of unknown viruses, unrest, and well, sin in general. Like this lake, He is pure, calm and steady, not swayed by the craziness of the world below.
Water is such a precious commodity these days. We are constantly told to conserve and protect it. While we consider water a modern problem due to population growth and changes in the weather patterns, the Bible is also filled with scenarios and metaphors concerning water. It makes sense-where there is water, there is life. Where there is not water . . . While there are many verses about God providing water miraculously such as:
“Because I have given waters in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert,
To give drink to My chosen people” (Isaiah 43:20)
And “You shall not see wind nor shall you see rain; yet that valley shall be filled with water, so that you shall drink, both you and your cattle and your beasts” (2 Kings 3:17).
Water is also a symbol of God’s salvation and spiritual provision for believers. When Jesus speaks at the Feast of the Tabernacles, he says, “Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink.Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them” (John 7:37-38). To the woman at the well, he offers “living water” (John 4:10).
I won’t lie. Right now, I wish I could hide out at Yellowstone Lake, gazing at it’s massive and pure waters, forgetting about an uncertain year ahead, but many in our world are not feeling serene right now. They are struggling with fear, anxiety, and let’s face it, anger. Lord, help me to remember and speak of God’s sovereignty and provision in these times, bountiful and life-giving, unaffected by the chaos around us. Help me take comfort in you alone, for it is you who can “(change) a wilderness into a pool of water and a dry land into springs of water” (Psalm 107:35).
Depression. It seems we can’t go anywhere, watch TV, read the news without hearing about it. There are endless commercials for anti-depressants and medications to take in addition to anti-depressants if we still feel down. Additionally, there are countless hotlines and programs to prevent suicide. Therapy is an ever-growing field, and now, we can even use an app to get therapy on the go. According to the CDC, one out of six adults struglle with depression in our nation each year. Enter 2020. The fear of COVID-19, shutdowns, job loss, police shootings, and violent riots-as if life wasn’t stressful enough. As a public school teacher, I encounter students each year whose anxiety and/or depression make everyday tasks difficult. But, as we all know, while it is prevalent in society, it is also prevalent in the body of Christ. Some people may ask why Christians deal with depression when they should be at peace, relying on the Lord for their joy. As a Christian and someone who has dealt with depression for at least 25 years, I have learned that instead of asking “why”, maybe we should rethink depression in the Christian life. While it is in no way wrong to seek professional help for this and other mental health disorders, maybe we are missing something. Maybe depression isn’t only an ill that we must fear and cure immediately, but a part of some of our fallen personalities that God can use in mysterious and beautiful ways. I try to always consider the following when I encounter depression in my own life:
Our relationship with God and others are a factor. Recently, I stumbled upon a replay of a sermon by Ravi Zacharias which addressed how modern societies wish to rid mankind of all negative thoughts and emotions. In this sermon he spoke of a new drug, invented but not yet approved, that could erase memories. The target for this drug is murderers, molesters, the worst of the worst criminals. With this drug, they could live happy, guilt-free lives. While this example is extreme, it is important to note in dealing with depression. Society wants us to believe that we should rid our lives of all negative emotion, but it is imperative to not that some of us deal with depression as a result of sin. In Psalm 51, David cries out in repentance:
“Have mercy upon me, O God, According to Your lovingkindness; According to the multitude of Your tender mercies, Blot out my transgressions. 2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, And cleanse me from my sin.
3 For I acknowledge my transgressions, And my sin is always before me. 4 Against You, You only, have I sinned . . . “ (Psalm 51:1-4).
The first question we need to ask ourselves in dealing with depression is “Do I need to confess and ask for forgiveness? Is sin causing some of my negative emotions? Am I refusing to forgive others for the wrong they have committed?” As in Romans 7 and in many of the Psalms, depression which is linked to personal sin, cannot be cured by a medication but only through repentance and reconciliation.
We are in good company. King David, the apostle Paul, Job, Martin Luther, and many great writers, inventors and artists have struggled with depression. I have many dear family members, including myself, who deal with depression. Is it odd that so many of the Psalms tell us “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18) and “Even though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil” (Psalm 23:4)”? Paul seemed to struggle with similar emotions in 2 Corinthians 1:8 saying “We were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself” and “What a wretched man I am? Who will rescue me from this body of death?” (Romans 7:24). Consider Christ himself. He lived a lonely life. He was misunderstood and, in moments, depressed by the state of mankind and what he had been called to do. When he asked the disciples to pray with him in Gethsemane, he told them, “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death” (Matthew 26:38). Maybe depression isn’t only an ill we must fix. Maybe it is used of God as it has been in the lives of those who have gone before us. If Christ and so many others suffered depression, why is it that we should never have to deal with it as we share in Christ’s sufferings?
Depression helps us walk alongside others who are suffering. Because we live in a fallen world, depression touches each one of us. Some of us deal with it personally, but all of us have family members or friends that deal with or have dealt with depression. A girl I used to mentor in a treatment facility and I had a saying, “When you feel like you’re going crazy, you are not the only one.” If we deal with depression, that can be a gift for others. It can help them know they are not alone and allow us to know how to pray for them specifically and maybe even mentor them in particularly difficult times. This is another way God can use our own sorrow to bless others. After all, isn’t it easier to “mourn with those who mourn”? (Romans 12:15) if we’ve actually mourned ourselves? Paul addresses this blessing of suffering in the beginning of 2 Corinthians when he says, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God” (2 Corinthians 1: 3-4).
The solution? Maybe there isn’t one this side of heaven. We live in a fallen world. Depression will play a role in our lives as humans and even believers, for some more than others. Don’t get me wrong, it is important that we ask for help if we are dealing with depression or any other mental illness, but may we also consider the possibility that it can also be a gift. For me, I wouldn’t trade my journey with depression for a different life. It puts me in great company, causes me to be more dependent on God, and helps me understand and pray for others who feel alone. May we all consider the possibility that depression and other hardship may be a tool God uses to refine us and encourage others, a hidden gift from God.
Carried Along 